Zephira Derblich-Milea, Class of 20
We caught up with Zephira Derblich-Milea, Class of 20 , and learned about their work teaching middle school and high school students about healthy relationships, healthy boundaries, and consent!
What fueled your interest in domestic violence prevention work?
My interest in this work started while I was studying to be a homicide detective at San Francisco City College. I took a class called “The Politics of Sexual Violence,” and it changed my life. I was 19 and didn't realize how prevalent the issue was. The class made me very angry, so I met with the teacher, and asked her “How are you not angry all the time?” She told me that she channels her anger into teaching and prevention. It was incredible professors like her that made many of my life successes possible. After that, I took another course called “Becoming a Peer Educator,” which allowed me to start leading workshops through Project Survive at City College. Since then, I have been working at Shalom Bayit, a Bay Area organization working to end domestic violence in the Jewish community, by running their Love Shouldn’t Hurt program for the past 21 years. I love teaching, and I found something that I am passionate about that I could dedicate my life to.
What is the most important work that you have done to date and why?
Everything has been important. One of the most impactful experiences in both my work and personal life was when I taught consent at Berkeley High School, where I graduated from. When I was a student there, I experienced a lot of sexual harassment and even assault, which was not taken seriously at all. I taught the workshop in the place where I once experienced so much trauma. Reading the evaluations after, especially from the girls, was very healing. One student said “I didn't know I could say no if it wasn't a hell yes,” a quote that will always stay with me.
What have you learned through this work?
On the personal side, I’ve learned about my own strength and my work has given me so many tools. Before, I didn't have strong boundaries, and now people seek me out to do relationship and boundary coaching. It has also been amazing to see how far the field has come since I started this work. For example, in my workshops, I always have the students brainstorm the qualities of a healthy relationship. For my first 10-15 years in the field, students rarely mentioned boundaries, but now it is brought up almost every time.
What lessons did you learn at Berkwood Hedge School that you still use in your everyday life?
Thinking back to my time at Berkwood Hedge, what really stands out is how important curiosity and creativity were with all of the teachers. This was encouraged in so many projects and activities. There’s a quote that comes from my time at Berkwood Hedge - I don’t remember who said it, but it has served me well over the years and encapsulates this value well: “Instead of
thinking outside of the box, get rid of the box.” Curiosity was woven throughout so much of what we did. This has been so important personally, but also in my domestic violence prevention work. There can be a lot of harmful perspectives, but this can be approached with curiosity, which is where the learning happens.
How can we learn more about and support your work?
People can learn more about my work through my social media platforms @boundariesandbeing, where I share my education, or explore the Shalom Bayit or Attachment Matters websites. I have also had many interviews, podcasts and tv appearances, which you can find with a simple google search of my name, Zephira Derblich-Milea.